In trying to explain why she couldn't preach outrage over the Trayvon Martin verdict, Nadia Bolz-Weber states, ". .. I could not with any integrity 'stand my own ground against violence and racism---not because I no longer believed in standing against these things (I do!), but because my own life and my own heart contain too much ambiguity."
"Ambiguity" is precisely what I feel after the Derek Chauvin verdict---not an ambiguity that says "I don't care" but an ambiguity that says I feel deeply for everyone. I feel strongly that Chauvin was guilty of murder. I feel strongly about Black Lives Matter. But, I also am supportive of our police officers. There would be no celebration regardless of the jury's verdict but a profound sadness for both sides. The verdict will not bring George Floyd back to life. As Pastor MP said this morning at our Thursday morning discussion, "Derek Chauvin is still a child of God."
This sad ambiguity is what I feel anytime race is discussed. When I was much younger, I felt the outrage. I taught the protest songs, the Harlem poets, Black literature. But, I am older, more experienced and hopefully wiser now. Even during that protest period I realized that a white woman teaching black literature was in some ways condescending---that I had appropriated a culture and a cause that was not my own.
After DNA analysis, it is with some satisfaction I say, "I descend from African slaves." But after careful genealogical research, I can also say, "I descend from a woman who moved with her slaves into Missouri." Both statements are true. In my family history, I have slaves and slave-holders. I know there are those that say, "it is in our country history" or "many of us have that in our history, move on". Until you see the evidence in black and white, you can't know the impact both of those statements have on me, an American.
Even knowing these facts for several years has not smoothed out the jagged edges of being descended from slave and slave holder. In some respects, it has become even more difficult to live with. Recently the Black Lives Matter movement has made me aware of "white privilege". This made me hurt even more. Cousins who descended from the same slave I descended from have hurt for many more generation than my family has. I've traced my line back to the early 1800s, and they were already passing for white. They had some of that "white privilege" working for them. And, this hurts me to the bone: knowing that cousins suffered for hundreds of years longer than my family did.
So, how did my family live "white". First, mixed race was not a big deal in Colonial America. There simply were not enough European people around. My earliest known mixing of race was in the late 1600's---English and Native American. I even qualify for the Jamestown Society based on that family. But sometime after the Revolution when slavery became more of a political issue, being mixed race was not something talked about. Many families congregated together forming their own settlements because they didn't really fit in with European, Native American or African communities. (for more on this, click here) Those who favored the European side moved on and passed for white. During the Jim Crow era, they weren't allowed to be mixed race so they didn't talk about it. One drop of African blood made them Black. Period.
I inherited West African DNA from my grandmother who was "orphaned" at a young age and didn't know much about her family. See, it is that easy. Stories, rumors, suspicions are forgotten. I don't know if my mother suspected. Although she grew up in Arkansas, went bare-foot and spoke with a Southern drawl she would not allow disparaging words about Blacks. "Your grandpa's best friends have always been Black" "Growing up, we saw no difference in Black and White---we all just played together."
That is what would make me happy---not taking sides, but just playing together as they did when Mother was a child. Endless discussions about racism in America give me anxiety because I feel like I should take a stance. But the stance I want is one that would make no one in that discussion happy. I want to live in a community where we live side-by-side, go to churches which are integrated, where the children playing on the playground have a range of skin tones. I want to live in a community where people are judged by their thoughts and not by their skin color. I want to live in a place where people of color can live without fear of being pulled over for simple traffic violations.
And the slave holding ancestress? Bringing slaves into a border state was a terrible idea around the Civil War. She had several children she could live with in eastern Missouri. She did not choose to live with my ancestor but his brother, Sam. During the Civil War, Yankee vigilantes arrested Sam and executed him for having slaves. No trial, no explanation---it was clear that if Sam had slaves, he supported the Confederacy. (click here and scroll down to Samuel Long) The vigilantes? They were Germans who had recently emigrated and settled around Big River. I descend from one of those too. I scream "American".
For Part III, click here
For Part II, click here
For Part I, click here
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