Tears

 “A New Day is Dawning”----

But I only see clouds,

Tears falling like rain:

Mourning.

The tears of years of good-byes

The rips, the tears in my heart

So many years of worrying:

Will he survive

the fall?

the surgery?

the chemo?

Tears in my eyes, 

Tears in my heart

I thought those years of tears and tears

Would cushion my fall

When he let go.

The fall wasn’t parachuting

 to an easy landing

but a plunge into widowhood.

He’s been gone for nine months

Shouldn’t I have created a new life by now?

Looking for light in the Mourning:

A New Day Dawning

We Grieve Two Men

 First I want to thank all of you who have been on this journey with us——the prayers, the cards, the meals, the visits, the assistance for Dave at home and at appointments.  We could’t have done it all without you.  Thank you.

We Grieve Two Men

Rachel said we celebrated in 2001 for what Dave could do. . . .we never allowed ourselves to grieve the man he had been.

We grieve the man who fell off the roof 24 years ago with a life threatening Traumatic Brain Injury.

And we grieve the man who emerged from 6 weeks in the ICU broken but strong and fighting.

We  grieve the engineer who flew around the world meeting with other scientists researching fusion energy

And we grieve the man who went back to work 9 months after his accident and worked for 5 more years at his desk.

We grieve the athletic man who jogged every day, worked out at the Y, played golf, traversed the KATY trail.

And we grieve the man who struggled for 24 years with Physical therapy and trainers at Wellbridge..

We grieve the man who would help others move, trim a tree, drive middle school kids to Branson for a church trip.

And we grieve the man who reluctantly but  graciously  accepted help from others.

We grieve the man who was Chief Silver Cloud  taking 3 Indian Princesses on weekend campouts.

And We grieve the man who drove hundreds of miles so grandchildren could crawl on his lap for him to read to them.

We grieve the man who sang tenor in the church choir, and chaired  the Worship Committee.

And we grieve the man who spoke hesitantly with a speech impediment at Small Group.

We grieve the man who drove up one day surprising us with a license plate saying 3DOTRS 

And we grieve the man who drove a van with a lift for his wheel chair.

We grieve the man who stood proudly holding his head up, back straight

And we grieve the man who was bent over a walker or slumped in a wheel chair, still proud but weaker

We grieve the man who took us to Disney World gritting his teeth but smiling through It’s a Small World

And we grieve the man who took us on Disney cruises dressed as a pirate in a wheel chair.

We remember, we grieve, we celebrate.

We celebrated that he was still the same handsome, kind, caring, strong man who laughed at our shenanigans. He still loved watching the Cardinals, Chiefs and Missouri Tigers.  He walked more slowly, spoke with difficulty and never showed his physical and emotional pain—-worrying until the end about leaving us. And when he saw that our daughters and grandchildren stepped up to help me with my knee surgery, he knew he could “go  home”

We were the fortunate ones to have had two great men in one body. 

"I Want to Go Home"

 For several years, Dave struggled physically and often expressed to me his need for a “new body”. But if a health or legal professional asked him if he was depressed or wanted to go on hospice, he would deny it and even insisted he wanted to be

resuscitated and put on a feeding tube. This was all contrary to his wishes 20 years ago.  It has just dawned on me that he was trying to protect me.  He didn’t want me to know how much he was suffering.

Despite his failing body, he still had a powerful need to protect me, to comfort me. After I had to put him in a nursing home, I visited several times a day often just to change the channels on his television. To an observer, he needed me, but in fact I needed him, too.  He provided me with comfort but he also provided me a reason to get out of bed each day.  Caregiving can be addictive.  I didn’t really want to do anything but attend to his needs. I had gradually put my life on hold to care for him.

After he was in the nursing home,I could see he was getting good care, but he was getting weaker.  He could hardly talk or eat—he didn’t have the energy to be very social. I finally decided the time was right to get my knee replaced.  I talked to him about my needing to go to the hospital and the months of healing I would need. 

So, on December 8th I went to the hospital, had surgery, spent a night in there while they monitored my blood pressure.  They released me the next day and we stopped at the nursing home before I even came home.  Rachel wheeled me in to see Dave to assure him that I was OK and to tell him that Rebecca and Rachel would be staying with me for a few weeks until I could manage on my own.

Daily for almost two weeks, our daughters put me in a wheel chair to visit Dave.  With Christmas approaching and Rebecca with a new job, I told them to stay home on Dec. 21. As I was settling in, I heard a knock on the door—-our grandsons Davis and Roman were there. Rachel had messaged Davis and Roman to come visit me and take me over to see Grandpa.

As they wheeled me in, I pretended to be driving a race car as we entered the “living room” of Dave’s nursing home, hoping to see him smile.  His neighbor Alice laughed at our antics, but Dave just looked up at me and said very seriously, “I want to go home.”  I didn’t know what he meant and was pretty impressed he could say a whole sentence. Roman pushed his wheel chair and Davis pushed mine back to his room.  Just when we were going to talk with him, a nurse came to the room to get him ready for dinner.  That was the signal that we needed to leave since they needed to check his vitals and clean him up.

So, we came back to my apartment and the boys left.  Later that night, after I was in bed, I heard the land line phone ring.  I knew I could never get out of bed and get to the phone on time so I let it ring and went back to sleep.  Next I heard Rebecca’s voice, “Mom, Dad has died.”  All I could think was, “That’s impossible—-I just saw him this afternoon.”  She helped me get dressed and we went over to his nursing home to say our good-byes.

I later pondered, “Why did he die NOW when I was recovering from surgery”  I think in retrospect, he saw that I was being cared for by daughters and grandchildren and he could let go. He’d been ready to let go for several years, but had been holding on to make sure I would be all right after he passed.

Dave's Song

 I feel you 

in the warmth of the sun.

I hear you

when I hear a tenor’s song.

I see you

with our daughters’ smiles. 

You live in my memories

And in every sense of my world.

I feel you

when a breeze caresses my cheek.

I hear you

cheering with the crack of a bat.

I see you

in our grandchildren’s eyes.

You haven’t left, 

But are with me

Forever and always.

Pride and Prejudice

 

You grandchildren never knew your Grandpa before his accident.  Your mothers can tell you all about that but I want to tell you about Grandpa and I meeting and falling in love.

We did not fall in love at first, second, third, fourth or fifth sight. I can see Grandpa getting all fidgety in heaven because he knows what’s coming.  He never defended himself or explained, so you just have my word that the story is true. If you have read Pride and Prejudice at a slow speed, you will soon recognize a theme.

My friend Hilda and I were at church Easter Sunday 65 years ago.We were 14 years old.  She spotted Dave across the parking lot. He was class president at her high school and he was gorgeous. Hilda grabbed my hand to go over and “meet” him.   She giggled and squealed “I’m Hilda—-I go to high school with you.  Just wanted to say Happy Easter.”  I saw how arrogantly he reacted to us like we were beneath his recognition, so I just said ” Happy Easter” and turned to his brother Tom for conversation to hide my embarrassment.  For years, I never forgave his 17 year old self  for his reaction of superiority to Hilda and me. 

A few years later, I started picking Tom up for youth fellowship.  On at least one occasion, Dave was sitting in the living room and looked out the door.  Years later, I asked him about this and he said, “Did you drive a Studebaker?”  “Why, yes I did.”  “I don’t remember you but I remember that car.”   

Fast forward to our mid twenties.  He was dating my friend Mary.  We attended parties together and even doubled on one occasion, but he never acted like he  knew me so I stopped introducing myself and just ignored him.

One Friday I asked Mary if she wanted to go to Collegiate Club with me—-a huge city-wide dance party.  It was a place to meet other single people..  She said she couldn’t go because she was going out with Dave. I nodded and went with other friends.  After we got there, I saw Dave walking in with his best friend Elliott. I looked at Dave, my eyes widened and I was so angry I was actually shaking.  His friend picked up on my “interest” and urged him to ask me to dance.

Trying to collect my thoughts, I agreed to dance with him.  He did not recognize me or pick up my anger vibes.  After the music stopped, I looked up at him and said, “I thought you were going out with Mary tonight.” He LOOKED at me and said, “Please don’t tell her you saw me here.”  “Maybe I will and maybe I won’t”  And I held my head high and walked away. They left.

After that we continued to go to parties together knowing of each other but keeping our distance.  He and Mary drifted apart. Other friends of mine had expressed interest in Dave but I discouraged them telling them he was “stuck on himself”. He with his Pride and I with my Prejudice based on my 14-year-old opinion of him.

This group of friends that we partied with also went on float trips together. One September, I arrived at a float trip a day late..  When I got there, everyone was sitting around the campfire and they were remarkably glum—-not the usual lively crowd.  I saw that two of my friends were bedraggled and drying their clothes over the fire on sticks. When I asked, they told me they’d been in Dave’s canoe. They’d hit a rock and capsized in frigid water. They’d given him a tongue lashing which is why the party was so quiet upon my arrival. I thought, “And for this you’re ostracizing him?”He looked so pitiful..  I didn’t like him, but this was harsh.

The next morning we got up bright and early, were choosing who we’d canoe with for the day.  No one wanted to be with Dave. I found my opinion of him starting to change—-I felt sorry for him, so I volunteered to  paddle with him.

He later told me that is when he started falling in love with me.  After the float trip, we started hanging out together at parties more.  My friend Mary noticed and said, “I think you should go out with Dave.”  We started dating in November and married in June—-more than ten years after we first met. And i loved being married to him every single day: for better or for worse, in sickness and in health and that doesn’t change with his death. He was well worth waiting 10 years for—-my Mr. Darcy.  

Coming Undone

 Talking to various people whose spouses had to go to a nursing home, prepared me for
when the time came for Dave.  One woman had her daughters take her husband while she stayed home: she knew she’d break down.  Two men said taking their spouses to a nursing home was as heart-breaking as when their spouses died.

Fortunately my daughters are a lot like I am.  Moving Dave to the nursing home could have been the most awful day, but their upbeat humor got us through.  We were going just across the parking lot to another building where the nursing home is.  We put most of his things in tubs, but we were also taking a small wire shelving unit for his closet. Rebecca was pushing the tubs, hanging clothes and shelving on a large cart.  Brett (our grandson) was pushing Grandpa in the wheel chair. Rachel and I had rolling suitcases.

As we made the turn on the sidewalk to the nursing home, we noticed that a truck had backed in so far that he was blocking about half the sidewalk.  We could make it past, but Rebecca with the loaded cart could not.  So, she took off across the uneven parking lot and challenged us to a race.  She got about half way across when the cart tipped dumping everything in the middle of the parking lot with tub lids coming off and items rolling under parked cars.  

We entered the nursing home laughing and giggling as Rebecca came through the door looking like the Beverly Hillbillies with clothes off their hangers, the shelves on a slant followed by two laughing men who'd seen the whole situation unroll and were helping  Rebecca with items they'd rescued under parked cars.

The receptionist said she'd never seen such a happy group on move in day. On the elevator, we giggled at the scene we’d made.

Minutes after that, I saw Dave survey his stark room.  

That’s when my grieving began. ….

My Friend Hilda

It was after Sunrise Service and we were all standing on the church parking lot/cemetary at Bellefontaine Methodist Church. The Morgan Family were at the worship service. Tom, the youngest son was our friend and the motherk, Eloise was the librarian at the school where I was a Freshman (Riverview Gardens) We introduced ourselves and the older brother Harry, smiled, made eye contact but the middle brother Dave looked right through us. . . . That didn't stop Hilda from fluttering her eyelashes and swooning after the meeting. . . . I was not impressed, Dave was very handsome, but I did not appreciate his attitude. That first meeting might have tainted my feelings about Dave Morgan when I met him the second, third, fourth and fifth times: very handsome but "stuck up". I'm sure Hilda never thought I'd actually marry Dave 11 years later.

We lost touch in college, but Hilda did know we married. I always felt a little guilty since she had "dibs" on him in 1960. On April 8, 2024, Hilda has been gone for 30 years. I still miss and remember her. RIP

Have you ever had a friend who would talk you into doing things you would have never done on your own? My friend Hilda really wanted to meet Dave Morgan who was President of his Senior Class at Hazelwood where she was a Freshman.

Happy 51st Anniversary

 

I'd hoped at one time to have a 50th Anniversary party with our children, our siblings and a few cousins, but covid came and I was happy we could celebrate with our children and grandchildren (click here).  But, I missed celebrating with siblings.  We had a small family reunion this year with my siblings and our family at the Doubletree in Chesterfield. 

That's been our "go-to" hotel for many years because they have a full health club attached with indoor and outdoor pools and tennis courts.  They also have a small gym for basketball.  With 8 active grandchildren, it's been a wonderful place for the kids to work off some energy at our winter family gatherings.

We swam, played tennis, played games and some even went to the outlets shopping.  Mostly we just hung out and had a great time.  Kansas City, Minneapolis, Rhode Island, Ballwin and Union all came together for a Western Dinner on Saturday night.

We also managed to get some grandchildren photos in front of our house despite several clowning around!

Birth order and ages:  Brett 20, Davis 18, Roman 16, Libby 15, Eli almost 15, Anna 12, Sam 9 and Silas 7.