"I Want to Go Home"

 For several years, Dave struggled physically and often expressed to me his need for a “new body”. But if a health or legal professional asked him if he was depressed or wanted to go on hospice, he would deny it and even insisted he wanted to be

resuscitated and put on a feeding tube. This was all contrary to his wishes 20 years ago.  It has just dawned on me that he was trying to protect me.  He didn’t want me to know how much he was suffering.

Despite his failing body, he still had a powerful need to protect me, to comfort me. After I had to put him in a nursing home, I visited several times a day often just to change the channels on his television. To an observer, he needed me, but in fact I needed him, too.  He provided me with comfort but he also provided me a reason to get out of bed each day.  Caregiving can be addictive.  I didn’t really want to do anything but attend to his needs. I had gradually put my life on hold to care for him.

After he was in the nursing home,I could see he was getting good care, but he was getting weaker.  He could hardly talk or eat—he didn’t have the energy to be very social. I finally decided the time was right to get my knee replaced.  I talked to him about my needing to go to the hospital and the months of healing I would need. 

So, on December 8th I went to the hospital, had surgery, spent a night in there while they monitored my blood pressure.  They released me the next day and we stopped at the nursing home before I even came home.  Rachel wheeled me in to see Dave to assure him that I was OK and to tell him that Rebecca and Rachel would be staying with me for a few weeks until I could manage on my own.

Daily for almost two weeks, our daughters put me in a wheel chair to visit Dave.  With Christmas approaching and Rebecca with a new job, I told them to stay home on Dec. 21. As I was settling in, I heard a knock on the door—-our grandsons Davis and Roman were there. Rachel had messaged Davis and Roman to come visit me and take me over to see Grandpa.

As they wheeled me in, I pretended to be driving a race car as we entered the “living room” of Dave’s nursing home, hoping to see him smile.  His neighbor Alice laughed at our antics, but Dave just looked up at me and said very seriously, “I want to go home.”  I didn’t know what he meant and was pretty impressed he could say a whole sentence. Roman pushed his wheel chair and Davis pushed mine back to his room.  Just when we were going to talk with him, a nurse came to the room to get him ready for dinner.  That was the signal that we needed to leave since they needed to check his vitals and clean him up.

So, we came back to my apartment and the boys left.  Later that night, after I was in bed, I heard the land line phone ring.  I knew I could never get out of bed and get to the phone on time so I let it ring and went back to sleep.  Next I heard Rebecca’s voice, “Mom, Dad has died.”  All I could think was, “That’s impossible—-I just saw him this afternoon.”  She helped me get dressed and we went over to his nursing home to say our good-byes.

I later pondered, “Why did he die NOW when I was recovering from surgery”  I think in retrospect, he saw that I was being cared for by daughters and grandchildren and he could let go. He’d been ready to let go for several years, but had been holding on to make sure I would be all right after he passed.