God has appeared to me throughout the years, but each time has been like looking through a kalaidoscope—-I see different “faces” of God depending on my stage. As a child, God and the Holy Spirit were too abstract, but Jesus with those warm brown eyes was someone I could look to for guidance, support and love. The hymn “Jesus Loves Me” got me through the times when i felt unloved. Later,I was guided by “what would Jesus do?” when making choices.
As an adult I was guided more by God, the creator. Hymns like “Holy, Holy, Holy” and “This is my Father’s World”were important to me and my understanding of God who created the beauty of Europe’s cathedrals and the red wood forest. My God was awe-some, all-powerful. But HE also was often disappointed in my decisions. It was a time when I was important to myself and only when confronted by a beautiful sunset or the majesty of mountains, was I forced to slow down and reflect on the grandeur of God rather than on myself.
At both stages, I “ignored” the Holy Spirit—-something I associated with "Charismatic” churches and speaking in tongues. Although I had my “conscience” to guide me as a child, it was often associated with Jimminey Cricket on Mickey Mouse Club who always said, “Let your conscience be your guide.”
I’ve often felt that my writing is influenced and guided by another entitiy which I always thought of as my muse. Sometimes my “muse” was relentless, over-powering my dreams and thoughts. Sometime i have to sit quietly in my “thin places” or my patio and let this spirit come to me—-make time for it. prioritize it. not be distracted by “things to do”, but just having quiet time. It’s so hard for my hyperactive brain and body to “Be still”. As I was older my “muse” helped me with my writing. But was my “Conscience” or my “muse” really the Holy Spirit living within me?
I’m not sure if it’s my stage or my age but I’ve moved on to understanding the Holy Spirit and the role SHE plays in my faith. “Ruach”, the sound of wind, is the Hebrew word for the Spirit. Ruach is the breath within me, whirling and swirling.
The hymn "Spirit of Gentleness" touches my soul. In it we are reminded to listen to the gentleness of the Holy Spirit weaving it’s way in our daily lives, guiding our actions like a gentle breeze.But, if like Jonah we refuse to listen, then the Spirit is no longer gentle but relentless, forcing us to listen and pay attention.
When I was younger, I saw Jesus and God as something apart from myself whereas the holy spirit is within me, a part of me since birth. The Holy Spirit is not just a “muse” or a “conscience” but the part of me I often tap into for strength and understanding. SHE dances with my soul. I try to live to make Ruach happy and content: I love feeling her breath circling me in an embrace.
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| February 1946 |
I started out thinking I could write a poem about my feelings, but someone already beat me to it. Thank you John Carl Ylvisaker for this hymn: “I Was There To Hear Your Borning Cry”
I was there to hear your borning cry,
I'll be there when you are old.
I rejoiced the day you were baptized,
to see your life unfold.
I was there when you were but a child,
with a faith to suit you well;
In a blaze of light you wandered off
to find where demons dwell."
"When you heard the wonder of the Word
I was there to cheer you on;
You were raised to praise the living Lord,
to whom you now belong.
If you find someone to share your time
and you join your hearts as one,
I'll be there to make your verses rhyme
from dusk 'till rising sun.
In the middle ages of your life,
not too old, no longer young,
I'll be there to guide you through the night,
complete what I've begun.
When the evening gently closes in,
and you shut your weary eyes,
I'll be there as I have always been
with just one more surprise.
I was there to hear your borning cry,
I'll be there when you are old.
I rejoiced the day you were baptized,
to see your life unfold.
That’s the beauty of the Trinity: the three parts guide us at every stage of our lives: from knowing that Jesus loves us to exalting the power of God to being guided by the Holy Spirit.Three in one: always there ready to meet us where we are.
