Bending the Illusion

 

There have many times the past few years when I wished I had nurse's training.  I have all too frequently told Dave, "Maybe you'll marry a nurse in your next life, but you are stuck with a teacher in this one."    

Even as a child, I only wanted to play school, be a teacher.  Other children wanted to play "house", "army", "nurse" but I only liked "school" and "office" which involved a lot record keeping (done with old mail and bills I found in other people's trash to my mother's horror)  I can remember going to my cousin, Sue's house.  She was overjoyed at getting a nurse's kit for Christmas.  So, I had to be a patient while she  nursed me back to health.  The nurse's kit was very cute---all of the tools she needed for proper nursing.  But, it bored and frustrated me not to be able to play school or office. They say look to how children play to see where their interests are.  Clearly, I was happy becoming a teacher and record keeper while Susan became a nurse.

Back in the 70's when professional doors were opening for women that had been closed before, I considered law school and seminary.  But, the bottom line was that I enjoyed teaching.  So, I returned to graduate schools studying "English as Second Language" and "Elementary Reading".  I wasn't sure which one so I began both studies at SEMO and UMSL (despite having a half-finished Master's in English from SIU).  Ultimately my job focused me  on secondary reading (middle school and high school) with an emphasis in "Second Language Learning" at UMSL.

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I liked collecting data, analyzing it and deciding on a strategy to improve results.  I liked analyzing what worked and what didn't work after trying each strategy. Brain research and Sociological research were important in the field of secondary reading with language learning.  I had no idea in the 1980s how much this study would help me in my personal life: in 2001 my husband  had a traumatic brain injury and stroke (in ICU for 6 weeks) affecting his speech, balance and frontal cortex "filters". It was time to put all of my brain research to work and help him adapt to his new and "foreign" environment.

Parker Palmer's On the Brink of Everything discusses the "authentic self".  I've reflected on this.  I believe "teacher" is my authentic self.  I've always known this.  So, to be 70 years old and having to become a nurse goes against my grain. I needed some of those tools in Susan's nurse's kit.   So, how have I managed to find happiness in being a caregiver for my husband? I don't see myself as a nurse but as a teacher.  Here's where I disagree with  Parker Palmer.  He feels it's important to break through illusion to find reality--one's true self.  But, what if the illusion is what feels right and brings us contentment and peace? I believe my contentment comes from "bending the illusion".

My whole attitude about caregiving turned around when I realized being a caregiver is as much being a teacher as it is a nurse. Like a good reading teacher, I identify problems, research solutions and try various strategies to achieve the goals I have.  I keep track of behavior shifts, what works (as well as what doesn't work).  

My current goals are to get Dave to use his hands more (dexterity), sit in the wheelchair more (core strength), make him feel like he's a contributing member of our family (mental/emotional health), interact socially with others (social skills), exercise his brain (cognitive skills), improve his lung capacity, and reduce anger--all while protecting my back, knees and shoulders. One activity that achieves many of these goals is sorting and matching his socks. Another is having him navigate through the apartment in the wheel chair (rather than using a motorized wheel chair or me pushing him).

There are goals for which I need professionals. We saw a pulmonologist who put him on a nebulizer when my "tools" weren't enough. Todd comes several times a week to take him on walks outside.  Emily (a nurse) comes once a week to help him shower. Erin comes several times a week to help him with his physical therapy exercises.  Each one helps with socialization and reducing anger in addition to their obvious jobs.

I believe being a caregiver is as much about being a teacher as being a nurse.  Both careers take care of others hoping the student/patient will improve with care.  Both involve data, research, analysis, trials and testing of theories.  This is where I find peace. If you think being a caregiver is being a nurse, do NOT burst my illusion that I am using my teacher skills.  I'd rather live in my slightly bent illusion than the frustrating, unqualified reality with no nurse's kit around.