On the Periphery

 

Although I have a lot of self confidence, am not afraid of speaking to large groups, I do not like being the center of attention.  So, getting teacher of the year, having to stand on a stage in front of an audience, listening to speeches about me and then having to shake hands with everyone had the opposite effect my colleagues intended.  They wanted to recognize me, thank me, but I just wanted to fade into the background.    I prefer being the "worker bee" who sees that everyone is seated comfortably, has the program,  a warm beverage and feels welcome.. I prefer being on the edge where I can slip out of the room when overwhelmed by too many people, too much noise, too much chaos.

Call it ADHD, enochlophobia or agoraphobia.  I call it needing to feeling safe, calm, with no anxiety.  I recently learned that others in our family have this anxiety, too. We are not afraid of flying in an airplane, not afraid of travel, not afraid of enclosed spaces, but the chaos of a crowd over-stimulates us and causes anxiety.  If I sit with my back to the crowd and can look out a window, I can feel the tension in my shoulders relaxing.  If I can sit on an aisle seat with an easy escape, I can enjoy the concert, the play, but seat me in the middle, I feel trapped and do not enjoy the experience.

Sometimes even watching an event on TV, makes me uncomfortable.  Watching the Chief's parade on television celebrating their Super Bowl victory created such anxiety, I had to go outside and walk around.  All I could see were a lot of young people (including two grandchildren) unsupervised, getting more and more ramped up and no one was attempting to get them under control.  Sadly, it came as no surprise to me that there was a shooting with a young mother being killed.

This is not something recent---it's not the result of being immune suppressed or isolated from covid.  I recall back to my childhood and it was always there.  My sister remembers with great joy going to parades and circuses with our family.  Those parades and circuses with excited people crowding around just made me want to go home.  I enjoyed the circuses once we got to our seats, but the anxiety of walking in a crowd to find the seats or staying with my family as we made our way to the car far eclipsed any joy I had.

The ability to slip in and out of a situation is also important.  As a child I often went with my class to the symphony.  Although I loved getting dressed up and going to the symphony, listening while sitting in a much too big seat for my short legs was another problem.  I'd slip out of my seat, tell my teacher I was going to the bathroom but really I was going to the back of the theater where I found my comfort space.  Instead of my poor legs dangling in a seat, I was standing and dancing in the back of the room thoroughly enjoying the concert because I could move and didn't feel "trapped".

I was in several plays in high school and college, but never wanted a starring role.  To audition for the plays in high school, we all had to read the "starring" roles.  I was so nervous when I kept being called back to read---it was down to just 3 of us for the starring role that I didn't want (Emily Webb)  I wanted a lesser role (Rebecca Gibbs) because it was less stress, a lot more fun and the attention wasn't really on me.  I was probably the only person that prayed for a lesser role.  Performing on a stage as Rebecca was different from being the star.  I could perform on stage because I had the "support" of friends and I was never center stage.

So, I think of myself as "Girl on the Periphery"---on the fringe of a crowd, in the supporting role of a play, and setting up chairs for a meeting: with an easy escape, within the company of friends and welcoming the new-comers. It's the role I feel comfortable with.

 

Lesson:  Know yourself.  Know your limitations.  Find strategies to unknot those anxieties.