No Joy in Advent

 I’ve felt loss at Christmas:

my grandmother, Dave’s parents

my mother, and now Dave.

I could be happy but joy? seldom.

I could be happy to be with family,

Happy the Christmas blogs were ready,

Happy we made it home safely

After driving through an ice storm,

But not joy.

I struggled through Christmas parties

And even large family gatherings.

Putting on my smiling face, 

Tryiing to capture others’ joy

with hugs.

But I couldn’t find Joy.

I struggled trying to decorate for Christmas.

First the Nativity:  Dad made the manger;

Mom made the ceramic figures.

Next, came Christmas cards,

Writing humorous letters.

Trying to find Joy.

I  bought gifts for everyone, 

First, going into crowds, 

standing in lines at the stores

Then, ordering by catalgue

But, finally giving up and 

writing checks

Singing Christmas carols in a choir,

Watching faces light up upon 

Unwrapping gifts,

Sitting in a chair in the library,

Watching the fireplace by the ight of a tree,

Still no Joy.

Hanging our two Christmas stockings

A cherished gift from Mom.

I cried.

Maybe joy is asking too much.

An unattainable goal,

An emotion of childhood.

If there’s no Joy, 

What is there?

I’m surrounded by Love and

I can Hope that the new year will 

Bring me Peace.

But Joy is a lonely pink candle

Waiting to be lit.