My Evolving Views on Race, Part 1

My first memory of people being different from me and all of my friends and family, was going shopping with my mother and grandmother.  I would see Black people in the store and was very curious about them.  On several occasions I would leave my mother's side to get closer to them.  What I really wanted to do was touch them to see if the color would come off.

I was a very curious child asking lots of questions and I'm sure my parents and grandparents tired of my questions and just gave me random answers.  Once, on a car trip to DeSoto, I saw a man with a fishing pole near a pile of rocks, "What's he doing?"  "Catching rock fish".  Another time on a city bus, I asked, "Who makes curbs?"  "Negroes".  I can remember I was constantly on the look out for black people making curbs---until a few years ago, I had never seen anyone make curb.  I can now report I saw them being made on Henry Rd. by white men.

When I was a little older, my mother got black women to come to our house to iron.  I remember one I liked really well---Beulah, a large woman who laughed a lot, but then there was one I was not so fond of, Lizzie, who was very tiny.  We had a lot of friends in St. Louis and De Soto who worked for the shoe factories.  The sample size shoes were very small and I had them in my "dress-up" clothes, clothes for me to play with. Lizzie spotted those brand new shoes and suddenly I didn't have any of them in my dress up clothes.  I don't know if she asked Mother if she could have them, but I was indignant that she had "stolen" my shoes.  That resulted in my mother explaining that Lizzy was poor and didn't have nice things and wasn't it better that the shoes were being used and not just sitting in my play clothes?  NO, I wanted my shoes back!

Another event I recall was going with my dad to the Mill Creek Valley in St. Louis (click here for

For more maps of the area, click here.

more on this area---home to 20,000 Black people).  I don't know if this was after my discussion with mother about Lizzy and my shoes or if it just happened.  It seems to me Dad was going there to pay the rent on our South St. Louis flat.  I had never seen such poverty before or so many black people in one place. It was dark everywhere:  the buildings, the people, the streets, the yards.  I was afraid and I couldn't put my finger on what made me so afraid---just the darkness of it all.

One year, I went to Memphis with my grandparents to visit my great aunt Ruth.  While driving around, I saw the zoo and asked if we could go there. Uncle Everett said, "We can't go today, it's Negro Day at the zoo.  You have to be a Negro to go to the zoo on Fridays.  Whites can go all of the other days."

So, by the time I was 8, I had a pretty good idea of what black people were:  poor, worked for white people, were to be feared, lived in horrible places called slums, are to be segregated  and they steal. It was better to be white with green grass, shoes, having black people work for you and getting to go to the zoo 6 days a week.  Sadly, this is where many white people stop.  But I continued to evolve..  . ..

One Day At A Time

To worry about the future,
"How long can we stay in our 2 -story house?"

means less satisfaction and joy today.

To worry about the future,
"what will happen if I get sick?"
paralyzes me from living life today.

To worry about the future,
"what if we have to isolate for a year?"
 challenges my faith that God knows the way.

We have had many challenges—brain injury, heart infection, cancer, pain.

When the challenges tried to bury me, I knew what to do.

Standing eye to eye, I have confronted life’s obstacles;
I have made compromises.

“You can slow me down, you can block my way,  

I must live my life . . ..with God’s grace and guidance. . .. 

One day at a time.”

Landscaping changes

 Our project was 4-fold:  the back patio, the stone wall in the front, the stone wall in the back and the foundation plantings in the front.  The upkeep on the brick patio was just too intensive and it turns out, we needed to re-grade the entire area.  Also a large percentage of the bricks were broken or damaged, so re-laying them would have been pointless.

First, the bricks were removed (many going to a friend's house to outline a new garden), the area was raised, regraded and laid with new stone steps and pavers with a ramp from the sunroom.

 After several weeks, it was all done and I'm very happy with it all.

Hearing Louise

"I’m wearing pastels, now—my skin tones have changed."

"I’m feeling a little weak this morning."

"I hold on when going up and down the stairs."

"My mouth is just so dry."

"I watch what I eat, but I’m being tested for diabetes."

"If my knee didn’t hurt, I’d exercise more."

"I want to hear my granddaughters’ voices again."

"Your dad isn’t strong enough for her graduation."

"Your dad is sleeping a lot."

"Don’t worry about Mother’s Day—you’re a mother, too.."

Words meant to inform me that they were getting older, 

      but now remind me of my own aging.

Words spoken one on one,
     not at a family gathering

Words said in face to face conversation, 

     not in a text.

Words I thought were to re-assure me,

    but were they cries for help?

Moments of Joy

Watching the children next door
     chasing their new puppy around the yard every day.

Memes on facebook:
     “ . . .here I am laying on the couch, being a hero”.

A wave from the Rich and Charlie's delivery man
      as I pick up dinner on the door step.

Leisurely reading a library book
        with no due date in sight.

Unexpected notes and gifts in the mail—
      loved ones thinking of us.

Saying “YES” to a chocolate chip cookie
       on my Panera delivery order.

A snake, guitar strumming, snapchat faces: 
      Zooming with teen-age grandchildren.

Video collage of of church members
      waving anything green on Palm Sunday Processional.

Calling the shut-ins and hearing Martin’s excitement
     that his grandson would play football with Tampa Bay.

Rachel’s banner  on the front page of the newspaper.

      “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise”.

Seeing old, familiar faces

      in my Face Time exercise class.

 One banana and a 2 lb can of Van Camps Pork and Beans
     on my grocery delivery.

In this Time of Pandemic.

Releasing anxiety, tension:

Moments of Joy.