Cotton wood trees
sparkling in the sun
like spangled Spanish dancers.
Branches bow and dance in synchronized rhythm while
Saplings bend and sway in the sultry summer breeze
Leaves softly clapping.
Cicadas clicking castanets
in cascading sound.
The staccato tapping
of woodpeckers.
Cotton seeds drifting :
Confetti crescendo!
The wind dies down.
The trees stand still.
The woodpecker flies.
The silence is punctuated by a distant airplane,
The show is over.
. . .for now
If you'll recall I never really had a boyfriend throughout high school and most of college. Also, you need to know I was very interested in foreign places with my deepest desire to travel to Europe but especially England. I'd taken German in high school because I thought that would help me reach the goal of going to Europe. If I had taken French or Spanish, my parents would have said, "Go to Canada" or "Go to Mexico" but German. . . .I needed to go to Europe to learn fluency. I wasn't particularly interested in Germany, but I did have interest in going to Switzerland (home of Heidi) and Austria. (home of Sound of Music).
But, my heart was in England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales. I loved British history (you have no idea how excited I was to learn that I descend from my favorite Scottish kings and my favorite English Queen---Eleanor of Aquitaine). I read English literature: the Brontes, Jane Austen, Thomas Hardy, Graham Greene. My favorites novels were about the legendary King Arthur and Camelot. (I have an entire book shelf of King Arthur books) Although I majored in German, I also majored in English: English literature and English language were my real loves.
My good friend Ed (one of my high school "brothers") and I belonged to a group at church called The Searchers (my sister Jane and Grandpa's brother Tom also belonged). We had a house on the church property where we met, studied, partied and practically lived in the summers when we were home from college. It was a group of about 30-50 from all religious backgrounds. We did have one regular meeting with an outside speaker during the week which everyone attended.
I walked into the meeting that evening and saw that Ed had brought someone new---a very cute blond young man who was busy taking in all of the chaos and joy before the meeting. He was smiling as his eyes darted from person to person. I liked that smile. Ed saw me and raised his hand that I needed to come over. He introduced me to Tony. . . .an exchange student from England working at McDonnell-Douglas (Boeing) for the summer. I sat right down next to Tony and eagerly started chatting with him until the meeting began.
I was 19: the summer between my sophomore and junior years of college. Tony was maybe 20, a student at Birmingham University and a "co-op" with Rolls-Royce Aviation. That meant he was a student but also worked at Rolls-Royce---a little like an internship. (Grandpa was a co-op at McDonnell Douglas as was Ed). Tony didn't drive, but he lived in an apartment, so I assume Ed drove him everywhere he needed to go. Ed was certainly our "chauffeur" most of the summer with the exception of one date.
Just before I was to leave to go back to college, Tony asked me to go the Muny Opera to see Camelot (my favorite musical) about King Arthur. He'd received tickets to the McDonnell box seats. It was the perfect date! We had dinner at Fox and Hounds at Cheshire Inn---about the most English setting anywhere in St. Louis. Then we went to the Muny with the best seats! After all of my years sitting in the "cheap" seats, I had never dreamed I'd be escorted to the box seats of one of the biggest companies in St. Louis. Ed did not drive.. .. I think I might have driven although a limo was not out of the question. OK, a horse and carriage would have been perfect, but I'm pretty sure that did not happen. Although it was "magical" sitting with Tony in box seats watching Camelot, I also discovered that seats that close were too close. I remember thinking, "I can count the nose hairs of the conductor". But I digress.
After Camelot, we just sat in the car outside his apartment and talked and talked. I left for college soon after and then, got one of the most disappointing phone calls I'd ever received. We only had one phone on our entire floor in my dorm, so someone had to get me for the phone call. They were grinning but wouldn't tell me why. Ah, the English accent. Tony was calling from the New York City airport--no easy task back then. He was on a pay phone, putting coins in every few minutes. When I got on, I knew it was him talking but I didn't understand anything he said. While I never had any trouble with his accent in person, over the phone in 1966. ....I couldn't understand him. I was so frustrated, I remember going down the hall of my dorm crying---a combination of him leaving but also my frustration at not being able to understand him.
I only heard from him one more time---a Christmas card that just had his name. .. .
So, recently I began to wonder what happened to Tony. I googled "Tony Edwards, RAF" (Royal Air Force) and was surprised at how quickly he popped up photos and all. He was every bit as successful as I knew he would be. He had a very successful career in aviation engineering and even was awarded a medal by Prince Phillip (Duke of Edinburgh). He was on at least 16 boards. This link will take you to a page where you need to scroll down to find Tony, but it details his career. I don't think my 19 year old self would have been surprised at his success at all: I had high standards.
But meanwhile, meeting Tony planted a seed in my brain and a new goal: exchange student. And now I knew my "type": intelligent, warm, successful, good looking and. . . . .not an American.
My next job at about 10 was selling Christmas cards door to door. I had samples that they could choose from and I would order them. I had a sample case and looked very professional opening the case with all of the samples. I learned to compliment them on their choices, suggest a font, shake hands and wait until I could deliver them. I felt so grown up. That was easier to do because it wasn't my creations that people were turning down, but someone else's Christmas cards. But, that was a pretty seasonal job.
Also at 10, I had something else to keep me busy---my baby brother Jim. I mothered him, entertained him, played with him. That lead to my next job: babysitter. My first job at about 11 or 12 was my cousin Cheryl. My aunt and uncle were playing cards at a neighbor's house, but they were comfortable with me watching Cheryl because I had experience with Jim. I babysat off and on even through college. My college babysitting jobs were more challenging---babysitting strangers' children in hotels and motels. Because of my life guard training, I could safely take their kids to the unguarded pool. But the hotel rooms were pretty confining after swimming and when the kids went to sleep, the lights and tv were off. Before cell phones, I was left with nothing to do but curl up in a hotel chair until the parents got back.
My first job with taxes being taken out began at 15 and ended at 20: lifeguarding and teaching swim lessons at our private swim club. It was a great job. In addition to my family being members, many principals of the schools and players on the Cardinal baseball team belonged. My bosses were often coaches from my high school. I worked with a lot of fun people from my high school and a neighboring one. But it was grueling on hot, crowded days. When we were off the stands, our job also included, checking people in, checking their clothes in with giant mesh bags, cleaning the restrooms and the snack area. Other than the fun people I worked with, I loved swimming after hours when the pool had closed having it all to ourselves. But it was a boring job most of the time, with too much cleaning. However, sitting all day observing people, I did became an expert at relationships, body language and getting to understand people which was a great asset for me as a teacher later on.
I didn't work a job during the school year in high school because I had too many activities. But when I went away to college, I decided to try a few jobs on campus: tutoring, food service and mail distribution. Tutoring was probably my least favorite because I never felt like I really helped them much. To get a B.A. degree some students had to have foreign language to graduate. Some of those poor people had a very difficult time learning a foreign language in college. I would work with them, they knew the material, but somehow they would fail the tests. I finally suggested to one student that he have a good stiff drink before testing to to relax him. .. .that didn't work either. When they failed, I failed.
I had two jobs in food service: working on the food line of a dining room and managing a snack bar. Working on the food line was humbling. First, we had to wear aprons and hair nets--such a nerdy look ---not the image I wanted in Greek Housing (fraternities and sororities all ate at the same dining room). Second, despite the apron, I ruined my clothes hauling large vats of food to the line. The worst was a giant vat of tomato soup that I jiggled too much resulting in it splashing me so badly, that I had to go home and change clothes. I'd ruined my nicest sweater. The only benefits to the job were socializing with friends who came through the line and the paycheck.
When the job (still in Greek Housing) of managing the snack bar came up, I jumped on the opportunity to get off the food line. There were several advantages: it wasn't ever terribly busy and friends could drop by. Also, there was a juke box with popular music that made the hours go by quickly. I had to prepare some food like hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill, but mostly I was selling bags of snacks and getting soft drinks. I had to clean the place up when we closed which was probably the only negative about the job.
But my favorite job was "mail clerk". The building that had the snack bar and dining room, also had the mail room. It served eight dormitories of Independents and Greeks. It had mail slots on 3 sides with a door for me to enter on the 4th side. I'd take the bags of mail and put them in the mail box slots in my own little room. I felt like I was spreading joy each time I put a letter or post card in someone's mailbox. I looked forward to the happy faces. What I hadn't counted on were the sad faces when someone had no mail. This was during Viet Nam. Many had brothers, friends, boy friends who were overseas. When they didn't get a letter, they often thought the worst. And, then there were the ones who had a boyfriend or girlfriend at home that no one knew about but the mail clerk. They'd be out dating, partying, enjoying the single life when the mail clerk knew. .. .. .
The most fun college job was "Go-go" dancing. Several of us started out dancing for a Casino night our sorority hosted. We made very short red dresses with black fringe. With our white go-go boots we danced in cages around the "casino". It was so popular, we were called on to re-create those dances for several events in the community for which we were paid. I loved grinning and telling people I'd become a professional dancer!
As a teenager, a job's a job---it's not usually part of your life time goals. It's great when you can find something you enjoy doing and get paid to do it. But, that's not usually the case. I enjoyed making pot holders and would probably still be here with my little loom, if I thought they were marketable. So finding joy in a job that pays is gold but that's not usually a teenager's life. On down the road when you are in a job that's your career, you'll look back on those teenage jobs and think, "I'm having a bad day but it's not nearly as bad as cleaning up vomit on the pool deck". And, sometimes, like one of Leah's friends, you discover that mowing lawns is what you enjoy and you form a successful landscaping company.
Although I have a lot of self confidence, am not afraid of speaking to large groups, I do not like being the center of attention. So, getting teacher of the year, having to stand on a stage in front of an audience, listening to speeches about me and then having to shake hands with everyone had the opposite effect my colleagues intended. They wanted to recognize me, thank me, but I just wanted to fade into the background. I prefer being the "worker bee" who sees that everyone is seated comfortably, has the program, a warm beverage and feels welcome.. I prefer being on the edge where I can slip out of the room when overwhelmed by too many people, too much noise, too much chaos.
Call it ADHD, enochlophobia or agoraphobia. I call it needing to feeling safe, calm, with no anxiety. I recently learned that others in our family have this anxiety, too. We are not afraid of flying in an airplane, not afraid of travel, not afraid of enclosed spaces, but the chaos of a crowd over-stimulates us and causes anxiety. If I sit with my back to the crowd and can look out a window, I can feel the tension in my shoulders relaxing. If I can sit on an aisle seat with an easy escape, I can enjoy the concert, the play, but seat me in the middle, I feel trapped and do not enjoy the experience.
Sometimes even watching an event on TV, makes me uncomfortable. Watching the Chief's parade on television celebrating their Super Bowl victory created such anxiety, I had to go outside and walk around. All I could see were a lot of young people (including two grandchildren) unsupervised, getting more and more ramped up and no one was attempting to get them under control. Sadly, it came as no surprise to me that there was a shooting with a young mother being killed.
This is not something recent---it's not the result of being immune suppressed or isolated from covid. I recall back to my childhood and it was always there. My sister remembers with great joy going to parades and circuses with our family. Those parades and circuses with excited people crowding around just made me want to go home. I enjoyed the circuses once we got to our seats, but the anxiety of walking in a crowd to find the seats or staying with my family as we made our way to the car far eclipsed any joy I had.
The ability to slip in and out of a situation is also important. As a child I often went with my class to the symphony. Although I loved getting dressed up and going to the symphony, listening while sitting in a much too big seat for my short legs was another problem. I'd slip out of my seat, tell my teacher I was going to the bathroom but really I was going to the back of the theater where I found my comfort space. Instead of my poor legs dangling in a seat, I was standing and dancing in the back of the room thoroughly enjoying the concert because I could move and didn't feel "trapped".
I was in several plays in high school and college, but never wanted a starring role. To audition for the plays in high school, we all had to read the "starring" roles. I was so nervous when I kept being called back to read---it was down to just 3 of us for the starring role that I didn't want (Emily Webb) I wanted a lesser role (Rebecca Gibbs) because it was less stress, a lot more fun and the attention wasn't really on me. I was probably the only person that prayed for a lesser role. Performing on a stage as Rebecca was different from being the star. I could perform on stage because I had the "support" of friends and I was never center stage.
So, I think of myself as "Girl on the Periphery"---on the fringe of a crowd, in the supporting role of a play, and setting up chairs for a meeting: with an easy escape, within the company of friends and welcoming the new-comers. It's the role I feel comfortable with.
Lesson: Know yourself. Know your limitations. Find strategies to unknot those anxieties.
Book Club here at McCrite read and discussed two similar books: Fast Girls about the 1936 Women's Olympic Track team and The Only Woman in the Room about Hedy Lamarr, movie star and inventor. The theme was similar---women struggling to break through that "glass ceiling" allowing them to be successful in a male dominated world.
The discussion here was a little like a therapy session---many of us giving examples of hitting that "glass ceiling" and with some of us breaking it. The most disturbing story was from Marsha who told us she was a twin.He was always put ahead of her: she got used to taking a back seat. Marsha celebrated her 90th birthday that same week with a party. Her daughter filled us in on more details. When the twins were born, they only weighted about 5 lbs together. Marsha was literally pushed aside with all care and attention going to her brother to ensure his survival----not hers.
Anita told of several generations of men in her family who encouraged her, her grandmother and her daughter to compete in a "men's world". Her daughter as a child said she wanted to go to Harvard Law School like her father, and they never discouraged her despite Harvard not allowing women to attend school there. By the time her daughter was old enough to apply, they were accepting females students.
My story was somewhere in between Marsha's and Anita's. First I wanted to be a farmer, but my grandmother said, "how about a farmer's wife?" Then in high school "career day", I signed up to learn about the FBI, walked in the room and was told, "there are no females in the FBI." I felt belittled, embarassed and angry. It wasn't about the FBI, but being told I couldn't do something. So, instead I chipped away at that glass ceiling trying to prove I could compete equally. By my senior year, I was president of International Club, Museum Club and Church Youth Group. I tied my friend Randy for the number of organizations we were president of and that felt good.
I started college wanting to be a pastor. I majored in English, German and minored in history to prepare myself for seminary. I knew women went to seminary---one of our youth directors was Judith Craig, a student at Eden Seminary. What I didn't know was, women could go to seminary, take classes, but they were "ordained" as Christian Educators and not pastors. I'd led the youth group at church, been on the Board, preached sermons, taught Bible School but that wasn't enough because I was a female. So, I shut that door and decided to be a public school English/German teacher.
I've always been pretty good at making lemonade when life handed me lemons. I couldn't go to seminary, but how about trying out for that exchange program my college had with Memmingen, Germany. In the past, the candidates had only been male college graduates but I was a female undergraduate. The exchange student sent that year had been a brilliant student of German, but socially he had failed miserably in Germany. They were looking for someone more social and out-going---not someone who sat in his room, studied and read. Would I interact with my students? Would I be willing to speak before groups of adults? Would I try to make my lessons interesting for the students? Yes, yes, yes. If I was an undergraduate, then I couldn't go to the University in Munich and I couldn't have a Fulbright Scholarship as the previous recipients had. I was OK with all of that. So, off I went: the first female and the first undergraduate exchange student to Memmingen. Chipping away at that glass ceiling.
Later I married, had three lovely daughters but others were also chipping away at the glass ceiling, too. Doors and careers were opening up. Women could be lawyers, Presbyterian pastors, business women not just teachers, nurses, stewardesses and secretaries. I'd been very active at church, chaired a pastor search committee, been Sunday School Superintendent, written curriculum, given workshops, but then I was asked to be an elder on Session. I loved teaching not ruling. Yes, I'd had leadership positions but it was no longer something I craved. I looked at my three daughters, stood up straight and became an elder so they could see women could do this. After a year on session, I was elected Clerk of Session (the lay leader), a job I really did not want, but felt like I needed to take on. I was the first female Clerk of Session at St. Mark Presbyterian. Others had been asked and turned it down, but I didn't think I would be a very good role model for my daughters if I turned my back on being the lay leader of our church. Chipping away.
After serving as an elder on Session, my daughters were getting older so I needed to start thinking about going back to work but felt like I needed to go back to college to brush up my skills. A mom that I volunteered with at Henry School was talking about going to Eden Seminary. I perked up thinking maybe I could be that pastor after all. I prayed, I thought, I made lists of pros and cons and decided to keep that door shut. My family and my daughters meant a lot to me. If I became a pastor, they would suffer----the timing was not right. I wanted us to continue worshipping as a family and not have them go to St. Mark (where their friends were) while I pastored another church. I knew I could do it, but did I really want to do that to my family?
There comes a time when focused goals become less important than the big picture. I did go back to school to brush up on my skills and got a master's in reading. I started subbing in the schools where my daughters attended which was a pretty easy transition (basically I was being paid to do things I'd been volunteering to do before). The extra money helped pay for my tuition. I eventually was hired as a part-time teacher, part-time aide in reading and English as Second Language: the transitions were smooth with hardly a ripple in our family time. By the time I was finished with graduate school, Rebecca was off to college and I applied for full-time teaching positions: German, Reading, English as Second Language. I don't regret any of my decisions: I'd helped other women, helped my family and was able to grow.
Recently, I was cleaning out some files and found my passport from 1972. Remember, I'd been to Germany for a year on a passport issued in 1967. But this 1972 passport really made me sit back and take a deep breath. I hadn't fully realized how far we've come until I saw it. Grandpa has his full name, birthdate, birthplace, a description of how he looked and I had "Jaclyn" that's all--not even my full name. Anyone seeing that passport would have thought, I had been nothing more than a spouse tagging along like a dutiful little woman. I'd planned the trip (Grandpa had never been to Europe), I spoke the language and had to do all of the speaking, translating, purchasing. I had been in charge of the entire trip but my passport said I was "Jaclyn".
THAT is the reason for this message to my granddaughters----Marsha, Anita, thousands of women and I have worked very hard to give you your life, your choices, your freedom. PLEASE, do not forget that glass ceiling was chipped away by some very determined women. Don't forget.
The fight is not over---the Glass Ceiling still exists. Caitlin Clark, basketball phenom. She is expected to earn $76,000 as #1 female rookie in professional basketball compared to her male counterpart who will earn between 7 and 11 million dollars. The NCAA women's tournament had more viewers than the men's tournament and yet, the women's programs got far less money. (click here)
Lessons: Don't be afraid to stretch yourself but also don't be afraid to step back and say, "this is not the right time, the right place for me right now."
Pray for help and guidance. Listen for answers.
Encourage other women---don't tear them down. Even if you disagree with them and don't like them. If they are working to make a better world for you, your children and grandchildren, thank them.
